


Grumpy + Cute

by violetvaria



Series: Jack and Mac Dialogues [1]
Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Cute Aggression, Dialogue-Only, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, practically crack, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 19:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18372668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetvaria/pseuds/violetvaria
Summary: “So what’s with the grumpy-stork face?”~Jack thinks Mac is grumpy, and he intends to find out why.





	Grumpy + Cute

**Author's Note:**

> Definitions:  
>  **Cute aggression** : superficially aggressive behavior caused by seeing something cute (see, among others, [this article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuroscience-in-translation/201812/want-pinch-babys-cheeks-thats-cute-aggression))  
>  **Boop** : affectionately poking someone on the nose, often accompanied by saying "Boop!" Here is a photo of [puppies](https://images.app.goo.gl/PsGBWhY1Qz8tC9Mm8) for your enjoyment.  
>  **Hydra** : a mythical monster with multiple heads; when one head was cut off, two more would grow in its place. For more information, check [here](https://www.britannica.com/topic/Hydra-Greek-mythology)  
>  **Grumpy Heron** : an adorable heron who appears to be having a really bad day, as pictured [here](https://images.app.goo.gl/iGGsmgk3QnoXfhk9A)

“So what’s with the grumpy-stork face?”

“What?”

“Come on, man, you’ve been mopin’ around for hours. You look like this bird. See?”

“Get your phone outta my face, Jack. The human eye can’t focus…never mind.”

“Like lookin’ in a mirror, ain’t it?”

“That’s a heron, not a stork. And I do not look like that.”

“Yeah, I beg to differ on that one, brother. The long skinny legs, the crazy hair, the giant pout you’ve been wearin’…”

“Shut up, Jack.”

“See, you know the problem with the grumpy stork?”

“Heron. And maybe he has a perfectly legitimate reason for being grumpy.”

“Whatever, dude. The problem is cute aggression.”

“What?”

“You ain’t heard of it? Bozer said it’s when you wanna eat the face off a bunny or somethin’ because it’s so cute.”

“Uhh…I don’t think that’s—”

“And this angry stork is pretty dang cute.”

“So…you want to eat it?”

“Mac, keep up! You’re the stork!”

“Jack, are you high or something? You’re making less sense than usual. And that’s saying something.”

“Smartass. You’re still a stork. Grumpy but cute.”

“I’m not—”

“Grumpy? Or cute?”

“Both. Er…”

“Huh-uh. Can’t fool ol’ Jack. I know you, brother. You’re in a mood. Somethin’s eatin’ at ya.”

“If I’m following your analogy, apparently _you_ want to eat my face. Or a heron. Or a stork.”

“Maybe not eat them exactly. Boze was lookin’ at a puppy while he was explaining, so I maybe didn’t get the whole thing what with his high-pitched shrieks and all.”

“Should I tell him you said that?”

“But definitely pick ‘em up and squeeze the livin’ daylights out of ‘em.”

“You know herons have been known to make even eagles leave their hunting grounds?”

“Sorry, kid. You’re gettin’ a Jack Dalton hug no matter how much you squawk about it.”

“Jack! What is that for?”

“I told ya. Cute agriculture.”

“Aggression. And you can let go already.”

“Nuh-uh, no can do. Not until I get the whole story.”

“What story?”

“See, now that playin’ innocent is so cute I have to boop you on the nose.”

“Jack!”

“Riley taught me that one. Boop!”

“Stop it!”

“Spill it, kid. You know I can keep this up all day.”

“Jack…”

“Well, keep goin’! I’m still here.”

“I _know_ , Jack. You’re like a Hydra.”

“A fire hydrant?”

“Ha! Can’t keep up, can you, old man? Stay back!”

“Now, where you think you’re gonna go, little boy? There’s only one door. Think you’re gonna sprout wings and fly out the window?”

“Just don’t come any closer.”

“Too bad. Come back here. Hey, watch it! Gotcha!”

“Arrgh! See what I mean? A Hydra! Every time I chop off one head—or arm—it’s like two more grow in its place.”

“Uh, are _you_ high? Or you just talkin’ in circles to distract me?”

“Jack, what are the chances you’ll be letting go of me anytime soon? ‘Cause I was planning to eat in an hour or so.”

“I like food.”

“You weren’t invited.”

“That’s the thing about partners, bud. I’m _always_ invited.”

“Jack…”

“Okay, I know that sigh. You gonna give up and tell me what’s buggin’ ya?”

“It’s nothing.”

“The grumpy stork thinks different.”

“It’s a _heron_! Geez, don’t you listen to anything I say? Like, ever?”

“…That what this is about?”

“No. Stop doing that eyebrow thing, Jack. You know I hate that.”

“Well, then, maybe you oughtta just ‘fess up. You think I don’t listen to you?”

“It isn’t that.”

“Sooo…”

“Nothing. Forget it.”

“Mac—”

“No. Just go back to squishing your favorite bird or whatever.”

“All right.”

“Hey!”

“You wanted me to hold my favorite bud, right?”

“ _Bird!_ ”

“Well, that don’t even make no sense, genius. Ain’t no birds in the office.”

“Jaaack…”

“Hey. Kid. I hear ya just fine. And that means I hear what you don’t say just as much as what you do say. You get me?”

“Jack…you could’ve died. I _told_ you to get out, I _told_ you it was gonna go off, I _told_ you—”

“Hey, Mac, just breathe, man. Relax. I’m okay. You’re okay. Everybody’s okay, remember?”

“Just dumb luck.”

“Nah, what we did today? Skill. Experience. _Finesse_.”

“Luck. The worst kind of luck. I—can’t gamble your life on luck, Jack.”

“Hey, look at me. That was no gamble.”

“But you could’ve—”

“Dude, I told you I listen to ya. And I heard everything you were saying. I knew you were gonna figure it out in time.”

“There’s no way you could know—”

“And I couldn’t leave, irregardless. You go kaboom, I go kaboom, remember?”

“Maybe…”

“Gonna have to say that again, kid, but louder ‘n a mumble this time. That damn blast is still ringin’ in my ears a little.”

“I _said_ maybe I don’t _want_ you to go kaboom!”

“Well, hell, you think I’m chasing a blaze of glory? I don’t plan on expirin’ before the time is right, you know?”

“Then why wouldn’t you just _listen_ to me and _get out_?”

“Why wouldn’t _you_?”

“I—I don’t—”

“There you go with the mumbling again. How about I interpret for ya? ‘Well, Jack, I knew I could contain the bomb because science science paperclip duct tape.’ That pretty much cover it?”

“It was adjusting the direction of the blast, actually—”

“Yeah, what I said.”

“And it might not have worked, and then we both would have been caught—”

“And just you gettin’ blown sky-high is better _how_?”

“Um, mathematically? And morally? And empirically? And—”

“That was a ridiculous question, kid.”

“I agree.”

“Then why’d you answer?”

“You mean a _rhetorical_ question?”

“Pfff. I don’t know why you’re draggin’ around like the grumpy stork. We’ve talked about this. You’re not goin’ off into the wild blue yonder without me, and that’s all there is to it. Seems like maybe you’re the one who doesn’t listen.”

“Okay, you win. I’ll drop it, okay?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know why I can’t—it was just _really_ close, Jack.”

“I know, brother. I know.”

“I just keep seeing it…”

“Yeah. I hear ya. But today was a win, you know?”

“Yeah, I _know_ that, but it doesn’t—it doesn’t—”

“Doesn’t feel like one? Just let it breathe for a while, brother. Hey, you know what we should do?”

“Don’t say _Die Hard_ marathon.”

“Nah, that’ll be later. Right now, we’ve got places to go.”

“Like where?”

“Like the animal shelter. Sign up to volunteer, and we can cute-aggravate all over those kittens and puppies.”

“Uh…”

“C’mon, man, you know you want to. Cute little animals just lookin’ for someone to spend time with ‘em? I know you think you can’t have a pet ‘cause of the hours we keep, but this is the next best thing. I’m driving.”

“Fine. I guess. I’m only doing it so you’ll stop talking, you know.”

“Sure, sure, I hear ya. I always hear ya, grumpy stork.”

“Heron.”

“Uh-huh. Hey, Mac?”

“Yeah?”

“I forgot one thing. _Boop_!”

**Author's Note:**

> The heron-vs-eagle battle did happen at least once, as documented [**here**](https://www.maxwaugh.com/2016/11/15/battle-at-the-lagoon-african-fish-eagle-vs-goliath-heron/). This was actually a Goliath Heron, not a Great Blue like the Grumpy Heron, but Mac's point was just that herons in general are tough and you don't want to mess with them. Jack, however, makes a better point in that they are cute and _clearly need the living daylights squeezed out of them._
> 
> No animals were harmed in the writing of this fic, but only because most animals have the good sense to run/crawl/fly/slither/swim away from me when I start shrieking about smushing their faces.


End file.
